It was finals week and my last day in town before winter break. There was only one thing I had been looking forward to all week, and it was this night, my last night in Denton.
I had been talking to this guy for a while who I really liked, and when I say I would do anything just to spend more time with him, I mean ANYTHING. So I figured I’d make the most out of my time and go to his brother’s show at this little bar on the edge of town. For the sake of this post, I’ll refer to this guy as Y.
I was going to write about it in short, but I found an entry I had in my phone from that exact day. This is how it went:
So this is it, the last crazy or stupid thing I’ll do this fall, winter, this year! I was legit about to turn back around when I unintentionally embarrassed myself via Instagram DMs. I somehow sent a RED heart emoji without realizing it. I realized it, tho, when he liked the message! Fuck. Luckily, he was completely understanding about it.
I was ready to run but…its cold, and I already ventured all the way here, so yeah.
Anyways, I told myself I’m exactly the kind of girl to embarrass herself and follow through with potentially further embarrassing herself in live time. I definitely am. So I swallowed my pride, took a breath, and upped my pace a bit. Braving the increasing cold, I walked along the bus walk, or whatever you call it, toward this new location.
RG isn’t a new place, but its a new location for me. Btw, the location is fucking terrifying because if you look at it on a map, it’s an isolated place off the railroad tracks. That’s another reason I was apprehensive about going. At night. When its cold. BUT like I said, last crazy thing Ill do this year before returning to Dallas, might as well go all out.
So I get here, and I dont know what way to get in! I figured it out tho. The orange doors under the neon ‘RG’ sign. So I very hesitantly go open one of the doors and go in. It’s practically empty and I’m wondering where TF everyone is because it’s almost 9. So I walk to this side of the room. Then another side. Then a few steps here. Pretending to check my backpack purse now and then between that time.
There’s a bar and a few high chairs on the wall directly across from it with a couple tables. Its a narrow bar area with the back exit just a few feet from the bar counter. Realizing I look like a lost child, I decide to buy a drink to make it look like I know where I am and what I’m doing. So I wait behind the guys lining the counter, wondering what to order. The bartender motions for me to come closer so I can place my order, so I do and ask a stupid question that a drinking adult wouldn’t ask like do you have any mixed drinks. So I get a $5 mixed drink and move to the more open seating area and take a seat at one end of the available benches.
Im sipping on the vodka and malibu drink, its actually good btw, and looking at my phone. Minutes later, I see figure pass in the corner of my eye and hear “Is that Rae?”
It was Y, of course. Clad in a beanie, and color block jacket. So much for my plan to stay hidden in the back of the room. I dont know what I expected, but I certainly expected more people than that to be there and I definitely expected the show to start at 9 rather than 9:30. But its all good.
When the doors were open so we the audience could go in, there was no rush and there were so few people, I still couldnt fulfill my dream of hiding in the back. Nope, I was at the very front. And then they asked us to move in closer and everybody did so I followed along. And ugh, I felt their eyes on me. Rodent Belly* that is, and I knew they were analyzing and observing me as “that girl Y’s been talking to.” I felt so awkward like where do I look and what do I do with my hands? And Y, even though I was barely paying attention to him, he was paying more attention to me than I knew.
When I left for a moment to return my glass to the bar, he came looking for me just as I was coming back. I wasnt gonna leave without saying bye to specifically him! It was cute seeing him being all supportive of his brother. I enjoyed their set too. Though the bright colored lights bothered my eyes a lot. But they performed all my favorites! And as I was about to leave, I told Y I was heading out and preceeded to head outside. But the ticketmaster and his friends convinced me to stay for the next performer because OH hes so underrated and not enough people give him a chance but he’s cutting edge or whatever.
Well turns out of course theyd say that cause hes their friend, but it was NOT GREAT and I was quite disappointed in my gullibility. I clocked the reactions around me and saw about 2 similar to my own: stunned bewilderment.
Y stood beside me a little later on and I noticed hed taken off his jacket revealing his red sweater. And all I can say is damn. And there I was, standing in my black velvet boots, velvet black leggings, black headwrap, and black jacket obscuring my black turtleneck. Anyway, I caught a Lyft back because honestly, I dont care much about my safety anymore. I walked to the bus stop and paced to and fro in the cold winds as I waited my ride. 5 minutes later, a white car zoomed right past me. I scoffed, then jogged after it where it had stopped in front of the place. I made sure it was the right car and driver before I got in. I made it back safely despite all the risks I took.
In conclusion, I would like to take this break time to hide and immerse myself in writing and regaining my clarity and train of thought because this? This ain’t it. I also don’t think I want this anymore. This whatever it is I’m chasing because I am now inexplicably scared and worried about the progression of this whatever this is. More specifically, I forsee this not being what I thought and I need to distance myself for a bit and this break is a perfect time for that. I need to get back to “I don’t need a man, I don’t want a man, and I can do bad all by myself” Rae and not be whatever the fuck Rae I am right now.
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